The Way I Live… [8-9-2012]

The Way I Live my life… is tearing me up. Both tearing (cry) and tearing (rip).  I have need to cry for quite some time now and was not planning to do it once again, but had a bit of an outburst.  Thanks to my son, Trevor, for shwooping in with a hug and a few calming words.

I have been at work for the past few days, was on vacation before that and now I am sitting wondering how to even gather my thoughts at all.  My husband is mad at me (which I totally get) and want to fix but I am stuck.  Totally stuck again.  Where am I stuck?  In this mess of a house that I would like to someday be able to think of as a lovely home again.

The question  that I came up with in my head a bit ago deals with me, and the other issue that is waging war in my soul (a relationship that is in jeopardy with someone I love very much… not my husband).  Anyway, they say you can’t expect someone to love you until you love yourself.  You’ve heard that, right?  Well, there is also the adage that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.  I have that going on in my life right now with this other person.  I also have the part going on with my self that no matter how much I want someone to help me… I can’t be helped unless I help myself.  But I am stuck!  Stuck I tell you!!!

I am hoping just sitting here letting my fingers cry out to the world will help break me free of something.  But again… I would have to be free and willing and open to it.  Which, I am not sure I am right now.

I know I am a person with many faults.  I am suffering my way through and hoped to crawling out of depression, but the climb out of that hell hole is a long and steep climb.  Some days I think I am doing super great and then baam… back I fall.  I have been wondering what is up with my body again lately.  Why is it hurting?  Where are the aches and pains coming from?  Um, hello Robin… you are in a dumpy schlump again.  Duh! 

I am an adult with borderline attention deficit disorder (ADD).  What do I mean, borderline?  Well, the doctor who tested me preferred not labeling me, but I failed (or passed) the test that says… You have issues with attention and focus.  The term can be a label, it can be a crutch, it can be an excuse, it can also be an answer.  It can explain a great number of things.  Now, to manage it.  I do think I am going to go discuss some medication options with a physician in the coming weeks.  Will I take meds forever (if they are prescribed)?  No, but I do think I need some help focusing in the coming months to help me get a handle on my home, my health, and my overall wellbeing.

My mind is wavering in a million directions at this very moment and my dog wants to go outside, and I want to go to bed.  So…

Just for Today…
1.  I wish my Grandma were here.
2.  I wish my Mom knew the reality of many things.
3.  I wish I could change things in the blink of an eye.
4.  I wish my husband could understand how I feel on the inside.
5.  I wish… I wish… I wish…

I could wish in one hand and shit in another and see which one fills up faster.  With my gall bladder having been removed, I know the answer to this without hesitation… but a girl can dream, right?


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