The Way I Live [8-20-2012]

The Way I Live… must be busy or I would have blogged sooner.  My goodness, really… August 9th was the last time I checked in with my 10 readers.  I am so sorry.  Not only am I sorry that it has been so long, I am sorry if I startled anyone when I blogged that day.  I must have shaken a few tail feathers because people have approached me about how concerned they are.  I am grateful for the concern, but also feel silly that I have caused so many people to ‘worry’ about me.

I’m doing okay, I just wish I was doing better.  I don’t know how to explain it really and living in a small town it seems really strange and silly to share all of this.  The people I see at the grocery store may have read my post and now know that I am on meds, they know my house is a disaster (although I don’t really think people get the full concept of what I am saying), they know that I have ADD, they know that I have a case of depression and that at times I have anxiety.  Have I mentioned my anxiety?  I don’t know that I have, but since the truth is pouring out, there are times when I get nervous about things and can’t shake the feeling.  It has been much better since the ‘job change’.  It feels good knowing that my job is helping others but not in a way that the federal government and parents are going to come down and take me to jail or blame me for not fixing their kids lisp. 

There is something that has plagued my thoughts for so many years and I really can’t figure out how to let it go.  I really just need to, but for whatever reason, the thoughts stuck in my being and changed me.  Anyway, a few years back I was working in a different system and a parent survey went out to families.  As part of that survey the answers were typed up and placed around for staff and faculty to read.  I was shocked to read that one of my favorite kids had a mom who thought I was worthless.  My heart was shattered and my whole self worth as a therapist was rocked to the core.  I am not sure I have or ever will recover from the day I read the words.  It said that it would be nice to have a speech therapist who cared about the kids.  Really, that is what it said. To be honest, I still think about that little girl and how much I loved her.  Yes, I said loved her.  She was incredible.  As I type this and think about her, I get tears in my eyes.  I think about the day the administrator told me I would not get to see her anymore because it was just not worth me trying to figure out how to please her mom and they had found someone else to serve the little peanut.  It was so very long ago, but I can’t shake the thoughts.  Dumb I know, but how do you let go of something like that. 

There are other incidences and episodes that have molded and changed me and as hard as they are to get over, that one shook me.  I wonder why I am compelled to tell these stories.  I wonder why I think saying it to my ten readers will make a difference.  I really have no clue.  Maybe I am hoping someone will post a comment at the bottom of my blog and give me the answer.  So, if you have the answer on how to take something that has caused you pain and let it go… comment away! 

I realize that I am getting quite wordy in my posts lately.  Some people may decide not to read to the end.  Guess what… that’s okay.  I’m just writing and if it gets too long… it gets too long. 

Oooh, I have tomorrow’s post in my head already.  Yep, I am going to try to post 2 days in a row. 

Well, I am going to do it… I am posting a GOAL for tomorrow as well.  The island that divides my dining room from the kitchen will be cleared tomorrow.  I will update you all with my progress.

Just for Today…
1.  Loved hearing Emma tell me she enjoyed the food I made.  It was in fact, my FAMOUS recipe.
2.  The 6 kids (Jacki’s 3 and my 3) got along very well this afternoon/evening.
3.  My family is in good health.
4.  The stains came out of Olivia’s new shirt and Sophia’s PJs.
5.  Brenda found the shoes Olivia wanted for PE.

Going to get up and go for a walk in the morning.  Hope my feet will tolerate it.  They are driving me bonkers lately.  Going to the orthotic fixer guy on Wednesday.  Hoping he has some answers for me.

Onward!

And because I never post images anymore… here is one of Miss Emma when she was little… (February 2007)

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One thought on “The Way I Live [8-20-2012]

  1. Jodi says:

    Oh my dear friend/family/neighbor/employee…my heart just aches for you and I so badly want to “fix” everything for you…your heart, your home, your depression, your feet…everything, but I know I can’t. I simply don’t know how to help you other than to be here for you the best I can be…which sometimes isn’t enough and I am so sorry for that. I see you hurting and lost…and I feel so totally helpless. Please know how much I love you, how much I respect you and how blessed I am to have you in my life. Don’t give up on yourself or life…it’s never too late to live the life you want to. It won’t be easy and it will require you to expect a lot of yourself, but I know you can do it…you just need to WANT to do it and be willing to get the help you need to do it. Much love always!

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