Something we don’t see everyday… [8-23-2012]

I had to have my tire fixed today.  I knew I would have a flat and I was right.  Drove up north of Rhame to see Bobby’s sunflower field.  Zoiks… lots of sunflowers.  When he plants it as wheat it is big, but when it is a field of sunflowers the sight changes and things seem even larger than life.

So… what is it that we don’t see everyday… My Mom smiling.  I told my dad that he needs to plant more sunflowers because man oh live did they make her happy.  She was rambling something about not fixing her hair and some other non-sense but she let me snap the picture anyway.  I am pretty sure she doesn’t read my blog these days so I am safe posting this.

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A good time was had by all and we had two cameras going at once.  Mom had hers and I had mine… unless the girls had them.  Here are a few shots they took on my camera.

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Searching for a tumble weed…

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To prop up this little sunflower that had somehow fallen over.

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Thought this was cool so the girls could see how the seeds form below the surface.

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Olivia getting a shot of a flower.

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Nana teaching a lesson about how the flowers were once small and then they grow and open and get petals and then seeds.

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My little peanut checking out the flower.  We tried to get her to kiss it but she wouldn’t.  Poor baby has a fever tonight so had to rock her and hold her for several hours after work/school.

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The beauty of nature at work.

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Just for Today…
1.  Sophia’s fever came down with medicine.  I usually like to let the fever work, but 103.8 is pretty high in my mommy opinion.
2.  Tire is fixed.
3.  Salsa wasn’t too bad.
4.  Water!
5.  Countdown to medical appointments and orthotic appointments is moving along.  Next week!!!

Onward!

Something we don’t see everyday… [8-23-2012]

I had to have my tire fixed today.  I knew I would have a flat and I was right.  Drove up north of Rhame to see Bobby’s sunflower field.  Zoiks… lots of sunflowers.  When he plants it as wheat it is big, but when it is a field of sunflowers the sight changes and things seem even larger than life.

So… what is it that we don’t see everyday… My Mom smiling.  I told my dad that he needs to plant more sunflowers because man oh live did they make her happy.  She was rambling something about not fixing her hair and some other non-sense but she let me snap the picture anyway.  I am pretty sure she doesn’t read my blog these days so I am safe posting this.

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A good time was had by all and we had two cameras going at once.  Mom had hers and I had mine… unless the girls had them.  Here are a few shots they took on my camera.

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Searching for a tumble weed…

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To prop up this little sunflower that had somehow fallen over.

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Thought this was cool so the girls could see how the seeds form below the surface.

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Olivia getting a shot of a flower.

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Nana teaching a lesson about how the flowers were once small and then they grow and open and get petals and then seeds.

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My little peanut checking out the flower.  We tried to get her to kiss it but she wouldn’t.  Poor baby has a fever tonight so had to rock her and hold her for several hours after work/school.

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The beauty of nature at work.

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Just for Today…
1.  Sophia’s fever came down with medicine.  I usually like to let the fever work, but 103.8 is pretty high in my mommy opinion.
2.  Tire is fixed.
3.  Salsa wasn’t too bad.
4.  Water!
5.  Countdown to medical appointments and orthotic appointments is moving along.  Next week!!!

Onward!

A little something different…

I need to get back to posting some lovely and sometimes not so lovely images of my family and the events that are going on.  Here’s the thing, when I am going to post about MY life and the Way I Live… I will title the post “The Way I Live”.  Pretty easy to tell if you want to read on or not based on the title alone.

Here they are… First Day of School Pictures 2012. 

All three girls before we took off to school.  Please note, the girls have the exact SAME backpacks.  Not sure how this is going to pan out so we tied a red scarf to Olivia’s.  I hope it helps.  And yes, the littlest one has a paci. 

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And one with Zada!  Gotta have one with Zada so we know if she is ‘growing’ or not.  Ha Ha.  She is 10 this year and you can really see her age in her face and in her movement.  She’s a big girl and we love her.  Sophia was DONE at this point.

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Emma Rae in her new outfit.  Sparkles all around.  Shirt was sparkled so much that it made her arms hurt from rubbing.  The shorts had a little bling as well and her shoes… well, how can a person go wrong with HOT PINK.

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Olivia sported a dress (OF COURSE).  She loves to wear dresses.  She and Emma both had their hair stripped and trimmed for the first day.  Olivia had about 3 inches taken off.  She also got new shoes.  Converse!

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Emma in the classroom.  She is in 2nd grade this year.  Her teacher is Miss Knudsvig (not sure if I know how to spell it or not).  We generally just call her Roz, but we are going to have to remember she is the teacher now.  So… Miss Knudsvig it is.

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Olivia at her “office”.  She shares a table with a cousin and another girl from her class.  She is in Mrs. Gaebe’s kindergarten class this year.  She has some nervousness at times, but all in all is liking school very much.  I was happy to hear her singing some new songs that she had learned in music.  So much to remember each week, library, art, PE, music, lunch numbers, and just general learning.  Busy girl.  She does not have school on Wednesdays so I plan to stay home from the glass shop for sure on Wednesdays.  Tuesday night of this week she crashed about 6:30 and didn’t wake up until this morning (Wednesday).  Learning is hard work and makes a kid tired, that is for sure.

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Just for Today…
1.  Glad I went to the farm to pick up the blender I needed.  Many unexpected surprises from the journey.
2.  Salsa is on the stove.  Hope it tastes okay. If not, I will can it as a sauce for hot dish.
3.  Love my ice making, water dispensing fridge full of fruits and veggies.
4.  Grateful for the ladies in my photo group.  Always great resources for information.
5.  Cream peas made by Nana.  Nothing more to be said… perfection.

Onward!

The Way I Live… [8-21-2012]

The Way I Live My Life… is something that I will learn from and grow from.

Have you ever met a person who lives on the negative side of the street?  I am feeling like my stories may put me in the “Negative Nelly” category lately but I want to assure you and let you all know that my intentions of sharing are not to dwell on the negative and live in the past (referring to yesterday’s post), but to share what I am going through and see if I can shatter some of the walls that are so often built for people who live with ‘hidden illnesses’ like depression and anxiety.

Okay, now that I got that little schpeal out of the way (which is really spelled spiel but I like it my way better)… I want to share with you a thought our two on how I hope to be someday…

I hope to be sitting around with my family or friends telling stories of the good times I had when I was little.  I want to talk to my grandkids about the fun I had when I was a girl on the farm (who didn’t really farm at all).  I want to talk about the times I pretended to be in dog shows with my dog, Jasper.  I want to recall and tell the stories of the days that we had to say goodbye to Jasper, Cooper, and Itchy and because they are family the fact that we all gathered together to dig their graves and cover them with rocks, crosses and sticks.

What I do not hope to do is dwell on the past so much that it defines me and makes me into a negative person.  I want to sit back and say you know what, it hurt when Trevor’s dad and I didn’t make things work in the end.  It hurt when my Grandparents died.  It was crap-tastic that I wasn’t sure if my dad would make it home for a basketball game or not because he was working so hard to provide for us…(Mom only missed one that I can think of… because Jacki had surgery).  Was it so horrible that dad wasn’t there, no.  It was just fine.  Did he wish he was there, I am sure he does.  But am I going to cry a river about my dad missing the games.  No… it is just an example of how things were.  Am I going to dwell on the negative parts of my first marriage?  Absolutely not.  There were good times and it was and is important that Trevor knows that.  We have videos and pictures to look back on.  We have pictures and videos of our life after the change.  Trevor’s fortunate to have two incredible families who love him and the extended family is so huge it is hard to fathom. 

I have a friend who had a more ‘interesting’ childhood than mine and she and I were talking about it the other day.  We could all dwell on the crap that went down in our lives that hurt us or was hard, but what good will that do?  Did the past mold us and shape us into who we are?  Yes it did and does, but it doesn’t have to define us.  It is important to take the past and learn from it and pull the good from it all.  I am starting to sound like I am giving a graduation speech.  Not my intention…

So… get to the point already, Robin.  Just spit it out…

I really don’t know how to say it in any other way than just saying this… I am grateful for the joys of my life, the pains as well.  Each and every thing that happens makes me who I am, but what is important is “I” get to decide what to do with the good and the bad.  “I” get to decide who I am going to be and “I” choose to grow old and sit around and shoot the shit about the good times. 

The island between my dining room and kitchen is nearly done.  It was formerly known as the Island of Despair but will no longer be living up to its name.  Baby steps!!!

Just for Today…
1.  Jackson asked for more of my “famous’” hot dish.  But Chad took it to work.
2.  Jacki trusted her children to my care and I was able to help her out.
3.  Sophia napped, Jaylee napped and Jackson has been super good.
4.  Blogged 2 days in a row.
5.  I have fruits and veggies in my fridge and the kids are eating them.

Back to my island and kitchen counters and floor…

Onward!

The Way I Live [8-20-2012]

The Way I Live… must be busy or I would have blogged sooner.  My goodness, really… August 9th was the last time I checked in with my 10 readers.  I am so sorry.  Not only am I sorry that it has been so long, I am sorry if I startled anyone when I blogged that day.  I must have shaken a few tail feathers because people have approached me about how concerned they are.  I am grateful for the concern, but also feel silly that I have caused so many people to ‘worry’ about me.

I’m doing okay, I just wish I was doing better.  I don’t know how to explain it really and living in a small town it seems really strange and silly to share all of this.  The people I see at the grocery store may have read my post and now know that I am on meds, they know my house is a disaster (although I don’t really think people get the full concept of what I am saying), they know that I have ADD, they know that I have a case of depression and that at times I have anxiety.  Have I mentioned my anxiety?  I don’t know that I have, but since the truth is pouring out, there are times when I get nervous about things and can’t shake the feeling.  It has been much better since the ‘job change’.  It feels good knowing that my job is helping others but not in a way that the federal government and parents are going to come down and take me to jail or blame me for not fixing their kids lisp. 

There is something that has plagued my thoughts for so many years and I really can’t figure out how to let it go.  I really just need to, but for whatever reason, the thoughts stuck in my being and changed me.  Anyway, a few years back I was working in a different system and a parent survey went out to families.  As part of that survey the answers were typed up and placed around for staff and faculty to read.  I was shocked to read that one of my favorite kids had a mom who thought I was worthless.  My heart was shattered and my whole self worth as a therapist was rocked to the core.  I am not sure I have or ever will recover from the day I read the words.  It said that it would be nice to have a speech therapist who cared about the kids.  Really, that is what it said. To be honest, I still think about that little girl and how much I loved her.  Yes, I said loved her.  She was incredible.  As I type this and think about her, I get tears in my eyes.  I think about the day the administrator told me I would not get to see her anymore because it was just not worth me trying to figure out how to please her mom and they had found someone else to serve the little peanut.  It was so very long ago, but I can’t shake the thoughts.  Dumb I know, but how do you let go of something like that. 

There are other incidences and episodes that have molded and changed me and as hard as they are to get over, that one shook me.  I wonder why I am compelled to tell these stories.  I wonder why I think saying it to my ten readers will make a difference.  I really have no clue.  Maybe I am hoping someone will post a comment at the bottom of my blog and give me the answer.  So, if you have the answer on how to take something that has caused you pain and let it go… comment away! 

I realize that I am getting quite wordy in my posts lately.  Some people may decide not to read to the end.  Guess what… that’s okay.  I’m just writing and if it gets too long… it gets too long. 

Oooh, I have tomorrow’s post in my head already.  Yep, I am going to try to post 2 days in a row. 

Well, I am going to do it… I am posting a GOAL for tomorrow as well.  The island that divides my dining room from the kitchen will be cleared tomorrow.  I will update you all with my progress.

Just for Today…
1.  Loved hearing Emma tell me she enjoyed the food I made.  It was in fact, my FAMOUS recipe.
2.  The 6 kids (Jacki’s 3 and my 3) got along very well this afternoon/evening.
3.  My family is in good health.
4.  The stains came out of Olivia’s new shirt and Sophia’s PJs.
5.  Brenda found the shoes Olivia wanted for PE.

Going to get up and go for a walk in the morning.  Hope my feet will tolerate it.  They are driving me bonkers lately.  Going to the orthotic fixer guy on Wednesday.  Hoping he has some answers for me.

Onward!

And because I never post images anymore… here is one of Miss Emma when she was little… (February 2007)

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The Way I Live… [8-9-2012]

The Way I Live my life… is tearing me up. Both tearing (cry) and tearing (rip).  I have need to cry for quite some time now and was not planning to do it once again, but had a bit of an outburst.  Thanks to my son, Trevor, for shwooping in with a hug and a few calming words.

I have been at work for the past few days, was on vacation before that and now I am sitting wondering how to even gather my thoughts at all.  My husband is mad at me (which I totally get) and want to fix but I am stuck.  Totally stuck again.  Where am I stuck?  In this mess of a house that I would like to someday be able to think of as a lovely home again.

The question  that I came up with in my head a bit ago deals with me, and the other issue that is waging war in my soul (a relationship that is in jeopardy with someone I love very much… not my husband).  Anyway, they say you can’t expect someone to love you until you love yourself.  You’ve heard that, right?  Well, there is also the adage that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.  I have that going on in my life right now with this other person.  I also have the part going on with my self that no matter how much I want someone to help me… I can’t be helped unless I help myself.  But I am stuck!  Stuck I tell you!!!

I am hoping just sitting here letting my fingers cry out to the world will help break me free of something.  But again… I would have to be free and willing and open to it.  Which, I am not sure I am right now.

I know I am a person with many faults.  I am suffering my way through and hoped to crawling out of depression, but the climb out of that hell hole is a long and steep climb.  Some days I think I am doing super great and then baam… back I fall.  I have been wondering what is up with my body again lately.  Why is it hurting?  Where are the aches and pains coming from?  Um, hello Robin… you are in a dumpy schlump again.  Duh! 

I am an adult with borderline attention deficit disorder (ADD).  What do I mean, borderline?  Well, the doctor who tested me preferred not labeling me, but I failed (or passed) the test that says… You have issues with attention and focus.  The term can be a label, it can be a crutch, it can be an excuse, it can also be an answer.  It can explain a great number of things.  Now, to manage it.  I do think I am going to go discuss some medication options with a physician in the coming weeks.  Will I take meds forever (if they are prescribed)?  No, but I do think I need some help focusing in the coming months to help me get a handle on my home, my health, and my overall wellbeing.

My mind is wavering in a million directions at this very moment and my dog wants to go outside, and I want to go to bed.  So…

Just for Today…
1.  I wish my Grandma were here.
2.  I wish my Mom knew the reality of many things.
3.  I wish I could change things in the blink of an eye.
4.  I wish my husband could understand how I feel on the inside.
5.  I wish… I wish… I wish…

I could wish in one hand and shit in another and see which one fills up faster.  With my gall bladder having been removed, I know the answer to this without hesitation… but a girl can dream, right?

Onward!

The Way I Live [8-5-2012]

The way I live my life is not slowing down.  Or it feels like it is really busy all at once and then simmers down some and then baam back to crazy.  I am in a lull for a few days and we shall see where it goes from here.

Something bugging me is the fact that I have to take Olivia for shots for school.  I know the event is not going to go well at all.  I need to get new car seats for the older girls.  I need to buy school supplies for BOTH of the older girls and choose first day of school outfits.  My family is growing and changing.  All very good.  Just a bit crazy how so many things are being sent my way to remind me that time zooms by and my girls are growing up.  It will be different for me to take Olivia to drop her off for the first day since I will not be across the hallway should there be any trouble.  But, I am only a phone call away and her teacher is the mom of one of her preschool friends.

I just heard some exciting news about a family that is growing in Minnesota.  My friend, Tara, is expecting again.  She has 3 of the most adorable boys (and a pretty fantastic hubby and a GREAT DOG, Ed).  Do you think she will be blessed with a girl or boy?  All I know is they will be blessed indeed!

The last few weeks have been quite busy.  I had the Bowman Oilfield/Energy Golf Tournament July 20th and 21st.  Then the following week I took off for Colorado to spend time with an old college friend and some of my new friends from a photo group I am a part of.  We had a most amazing weekend and I will share some images from the trip in a post later.

Yesterday I went to Baker, MT to volunteer and train to be a part of a food co-op that is called Bountiful Baskets.  I am excited to be a part of this group and look forward to working with some cool ladies as we get a drop off location going in Rhame.  You can check it out at www.bountifulbaskets.org.  People can sign up and pick up baskets full of fruits and veggies at different locations.  A Rhame drop site is in the works thanks to Brandy Getz, Redgie Hande, Kathy Walser, Colleen Germann and myself.

My meds have been pretty good lately.  I took them everyday of my trip (except the last one since I must have double up one of the other days (my vitamin D looks a lot like me Rx).  This week, at home, has been less successful, but I am getting back on track and have an alarm set on my phone that beeps and flashes a message that says, “Take your damn meds!”.  That will hopefully help.  A routine will also help.  Need to get something like that going for the return to school.  Can’t believe the kids start in 10 days.  Teachers and staff go in on the 13th.  Summer is getting shorter every year I think.

A quick pic of the good times from my trip to Denver.  More to come.  I have yet to download them.  This image was taken by Keri Doolittle of Keri Doolittle Photography.  She does amazing work and travels if you need someone for a wedding… she is spectacular.  The t-shirts are in support of the Steve Gleason Foundation which works to find a cure and ways to help people who are affected by ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease).  I may sound like a broken record when I keep talking about this organization but it is something I have found my heart wanting to talk about.  So, please check it out.

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Just for Today…
1.  Breakfast was yummy.
2.  Water and ice from my fridge door also yummy!
3.  News of a new baby for my friends, Tara and Patrick.
4.  I think someone in my family is engaged so maybe a wedding in the future.
5.  Twisted metal is just that… twisted metal.

Onward!